Lockdown in Paris : Day Four

Friday 20th March

8h42 : Woke up and knew immediately from the quality of the light that it was raining. That and I heard it on the roof which is about a foot away from my face. I have one of those massive bunk beds that would be amazingly cool and totally wicked if I were 12, which I’m not. Given that lots of people live in tiny, tiny studios in Paris, these bunkbeds are quite common for space-saving purposes. Of course, in that space saved under the bed you feel like Gandalf at Bilbo’s. Adults with bunkbeds try and call them mezzanines. They know as well as I do that the platform in question has to be attached to the walls and not have four orange-pine legs and a child-rail to be legitimately called a mezzanine, but I do understand the impulse. They don’t want to contemplate the life choices that have led them to be climbing a ladder to a bunk bed aged 30+. I certainly don’t.

9h20 : Most days I wake up with a song in my head, along with the knowledge that somewhere in the back of my mind this song has been playing all night on loop. Does anyone else get this? This is particularly annoying when the song is rubbish. So this morning you would’ve found me “rapping” Taylor Swift in the “kitchen” while waiting for the water to boil. AND I, BURY HATCHES BUT-Ah-KEEP-MAPS-OF-WHERE-I-PUT-’EM. That was Endgame, featuring Ed Sheeran, in case you were wondering. I know, I know. (Yes, this all makes it sound like I might be saying that Endgame by Taylor Swift featuring Ed Sheeran is, to my mind, a rubbish song, and that’s exactly the kind of self-conscious ambivalence I want to create because I’m a people-pleaser with high-school hang ups.)

9h58 : Decided to save washing my hair for later to really make an event of it. Miraculously some work came in so I bob into my hobbit hole where I have my desk. Psychologists (and people on Instagram) say you should try and occupy different rooms during the day and evening to break up the parts of the day, but they’re obviously talking to people whose life choices didn’t lead them to a pine bunkbed in a single room of 12m2, so I have had to adapt. To be honest with you, I love my desk in my hobbit hole. To make this space into more of a ”room” (there are those quotation marks again) I gave it a window. By which I mean, I found a window in the street and hung it off the bunk bed. Sounds weird, works wonders. I found the chair I’m sitting on and its twin on the street too, and my friend Kate-who-lives-in-the-woods and I carried them up the five flights of stairs, half-cut.

10h48: Decaf Coffee time. Still not over the fact that it’s decaf. Somehow when I’d boiled the water there were two bits of onion floating in it. I thought, well it’s already decaf so why the hell not. It might add something. Crunch, at least.

12h : Reading on the balcony. Things are definitely not looking good in the Scottish highlands. I’m thinking instead of The Girl on the Landing it could definitely have been called Stay On Your Meds.

13h05 : Had hotdogs with ketchup for lunch. Figure if I’ve got the bed of a twelve year old I may as well eat like one.

14h15 : Started work on a lovely cotton vintage ...shirt, top, type thing...that had a straight tear in it and needs some stain removal magic (saving that thrilling task for tomorrow). I love this beautiful shirt thing so had to take it, even though it wouldn’t fit my thigh. Maybe some tiny pixie person can get new life out of it when it’s ready.

15h : Friends seem to be getting quite creatively bored. Estelle texted me to ask did I know that my namesake domain belonged to an American chef who specialises in crockpot cooking? She included a photo and a quick review of some of her recipes.

15h35 : Phone repeatedly lighting up with notifications from an app we all just downloaded so that we can all do a ‘pub quiz’ later. I strongly suspect this plan will descend into chaos and intend to drink my way through it with or without an eight-way video call. No-one understands the app. “Laura is in the house!” a notification tells me. I have no idea what that means. Five seconds later I am again informed that “Laura is in the house!” Strange - I wasn’t aware Laura had left the house. Frankly astonished at the sarcastic streak in this app - repeatedly telling us that people are just casually (some might say maniacally) popping in and out of houses - unbelievable scenes under the circumstances. Another alert pops up, this time in Whatsapp. It’s Laura asking how the hell she’s supposed to get out of the house. Her and the rest of Europe. Quiz time is at 9pm. We’ll see.

16h10 : I finally approach the dreaded task of Trying to Get Official Financial Help, something I’ve put off for the last three days. Bravely click a link and am instantly sucked into the swirling black vortex of French administration, a bit like Harry Potter touching that boot. I contemplate the form for a minute. I think, I can go without. I can absolutely live for a month on three hotdogs, a tin of chickpeas and some chopped tomatoes. Who needs money when you’ve got frozen chilli and free water in the tap? I close the form and make a cup of tea.

17h49 : I am going to have a shower. I may be some time. (Think my hair needs chiselling away from my scalp.)

18h15 : Hair is clean and dry. Feel like I’m in a Herbal Essences advert.

18h30 : Get a panicked text from one of the 9pm quizzers. It’s a photo of an inch of gin in a glass next to a bottle of tonic. The message reads OMG I LEFT IT IN THE FREEZER HOW DO I DEFROST THIS WITHOUT LOSING THE FIZZ????! AND QUICKLY?!!!! A dozen despairing emojis follow. I can hear the desperation for that G&T like a roar across the city.

19h : Laptop is holding a grudge against me after our Big Fight the other day. When I type, the screen eyeballs me for long moments, one unimpressed brow raised, and flatly refuses to display the text. It doesn’t blink. I don’t blink. The cursor doesn’t blink. Eventually, with so much damn attitude, it plugs in the letters one by one and then waits, blowing on its just-painted fingernails while I start typing again.

20h08 : I forgot to clap!!!! SHAME ON ME. I think I was silent karaokeing to Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now while channeling the clip below.

20h16 : I open the bottle of red I bought yesterday. Was it yesterday? No. What day is it? It was the day before that. I think.) When I pull the cork out I find myself saying, I’ll just let that breathe as I put it down, but I know I’m joking, and so I laugh. No wine I’ve ever bought has been improved by removing the cork.

21h : It’s Chaos Quiz Time. “Stephanie is in the house!” Oh, god.